T&C's Apply

So I haven’t heard from a particular friend of mine in a while – which is unusual, but life is busy and of course Cape Town is in high heat (oops sorry Freudian) season! 

I made reference to this lingering thought to a mutual friend of ours.  Fake dramatically shocked my friend asked me, as kindly as he could muster, “Are you surprised?” and was then surprised that I was surprised by the lack of chatter.  Then with not so slight irritation he tried to gently remind me that this was normal and that this particular friend of ours, beats to her own drum (something I love about her).  With a scrunched up face he challenged me, reminding me that this is generally where I get hurt (ready needy).  He reminded me that time after time I put in the effort, to many times be disappointed.  I agreed and this particular friend has indeed taught me to toughen-the-fuck-up on this particular lesson.  He (again) pointed out to me that friendship requires effort from both sides and he not-so-subtly hinted to the fact that he was running out of super-glue (which he requires gallons of when he puts the pieces of me back together after disappointment. [See needy!])
 
I listened intently (and tried not to give him the yes-I-know-you-have-told-me-all-of-this-before face) when he took a breath … my moment!  While he breathed, I agreed with him and rather powerlessly confessed to the fact that indeed I had been hurt in the past, but that I had grown and that now I have come to the conclusion that (for this particular friend)  I … um er … don’t mind. 
 
He looked at me (completely) bemused.  I said that she had taught me to enjoy her in the moment, to make the absolute most of my time with her because we don’t connect often enough (for needy me).  She had taught me to love her, in-spite our time constraints.  And that indeed she had taught me the true meaning of an unconditional relationships.
 
Think about it ... family we have to love, we get few choices around that one.  Our partners are our choice, a daily horny lustful choice, so that one is chemically hardwired to our um er brains?    Our children, well they are just of us.  That’s not even a negotiable.  Even those times when they challenge the evolution of mothers eating their young … still we love them.  But our friends are the people we choose to have in our lives.  These are the people that we do the great cosmic eanie meanie minie mo with.  Who do we choice and why?  We meet some folks and we instantly decide – hell no!  Some people we meet and we cellularly recognize that we are going to be great friends.  And then of course there are people that we warm to over time, but again it’s a choice … we choose to invite them back into our lives over and over again.  We choose to take them on, we choose to accept them with their T&C’s.  Never before has our time been more at a premium … we just don’t have the time to waste it on bad company (and bad red wine).  This my friend has taught me … I just LOVE being around her, we laugh so much and we connect so deeply and we talk fabulous fluff, that I am prepared to accept her, with her T&C’s.
 
So what have I learned … Like I said, my friend was surprised (to say the least), that sensitive little me was prepared to do this … take this person on almost completely on her terms.  And then I gently pointed out to him (including him), don’t we all take our friends on with Terms and Conditions Apply?  (I love that term!  It’s so … you really should read the fine print.) 
 
I try to live tolerably but I am not a fan of smoking and yet I have wonderful friends and out-law-family that smoke.  That is one of their T&C’s.  I have friends that are always late, I know this about them, that is their T&C.  Can I go around changing all of these people – NO!  Do I then want to deprive myself of their company – NO!  They make my life interesting and they are teaching the compulsive planner in me to bend like the reed.
 
Having said that, even the mighty reed only bends so far and then even they break under the regularity of strain … T&C’s are there in all of our relationships, something we exchange in that friendship.  BUT abuse thereof is not nice … so don’t live in that space (but that is for another blog).
 
So, what are you prepared to accept?  And what is a deal-breaker?
 
Love you all madly …    
Warm regards …             
Collette in Cape Town
 
Acknowledgement … Thank you R for the great blog idea!  Who came up with the Blog Title – You or Me?  Anyway, thank you!
 
Song of the Post …  My Life would SUCK without you!  By Kelly Clarkson

 

2 comments:

Janine Huldie said...

Collette, this is true and I too do this with family and friends and am sue others do this with me as well. You truly hit the nail on the proverbial head with this one. Thanks for sharing and truly couldn't agree more!!

Zenith Thinking said...

We all have our T&C's Janine, it's what makes us special!

Thank you for your constant support - so so appreciated!

Warm regards
Collette in Cape Town - Zenith

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